Thursday, August 6th, 2009
A Life in Spain. Week 3…Release & Surrender
Reporting from the UK still…we’re holed up here in a strange terraced house with small spaces on many floors. We spend most of our time in the basement which has been quite dull with the dark, motionless sky that hangs above our heads through the glass roof at the back of the house. Jasmin is at Granny’s in France and we can’t go back there until next week as there are too many visitors and not enough beds. We spent the first week busy cleaning the motorhome and sorting things out on the money front and then we found ourselves getting more and more lethargic and having less and less to do. We’ve put in the action and now as we need time to recover from what may be the swine flu or some kind of toxin working its way through our bodies, we’ve been given the chance to sit with only the odd thing to do. Its become a bit like big brother here with no-one watching. Through the day I alternate between the world of Bombay slums in my recent book, ‘Shantaram’ and the dramatic story lines of Neighbours and Home and Away, haven’t seen them for a few years how bizarre, and then suddenly we find ourselves listening to an old rave track Ray’s found on Itunes, transporting us instantly onto a beach in India watching the setting sun.
And in this space which the Universe seems to have created for us at the moment, I watched a film last night and had a massive emotional release at 2 in the morning. This is what I wrote at the time; ‘Tonight i’m sad, i’m sad, i’m so so sad that its not how they said it would be, how they promised it would be. I’m grieving, i’m mourning for the lost dream of the girl, for the fact that its all a lie and no-one cares or seems to see it. I’m sad that I can’t do anything about it, that its out of my power, I can’t do anything, i’m helpless, out of control and I don’t know my place in it any more. My choices are limited and I can’t breathe, i’m out of my self and I can’t catch a breath to tell anyone and they wouldn’t listen anyway and I’m on my own. I’m out of my self and i’m free-falling into the black hole and I know that there’s no-one who’ll be able to catch me, i’ll just have to find out what’s at the bottom now and that’s that.’
So, interesting stuff, coming straight from the little girl. She was, I have to tell you, deeply upset. I awoke the next morning with a big bad headache and looking like i’d been beaten up but with a creeping sense of calm. The calmness remains today and slowly I can feel a newness emerging.
Since committing myself more deeply to the exploration of ‘potential’, the choices I’m making every day have begun to come more often from my instinctive self and its making me feel that I’m not the only one here in my life. There is the sense of being looked after and guided and at points where it gets really hard, I am being carried. Like the story of the man who meets God in heaven and looks down to see his life. He sees God’s footprints in the sand next to his throughout his life apart from when things got really tough when there was only one set of footprints. He says to God, ‘why did you abandon me when life became so hard’ and God said, ‘no my son, at those times, I carried you’. I can really feel that now…
The release the other night has replaced what was a creeping tension with a deep sense of surrender. There’s only one thing to do and that’s to make sure your choices come from the depths of your soul, from love and you will be guided and carried. There is the love for yourself of course as you are part of the Universe, and the love for all else that is here. I think loving yourself is such a massive step for most people, we are capable of so much but do we really think we deserve it, how many voices do you live with telling you otherwise?
With Love
Rebecca x
Reiki Workshops in the UK - September 2009 - see page listing on the right